These are some notes from my journal last year. They speak to my writing hiatus, and portions of it were used in my previous blog, “To Write or not to Write.”
This defining line from the movie “Shooter” captures the existential dilemma that often leads to isolation. “Yeah…..he rarely ventures out at all…….This is a man with a history of duty and patriotism, not his punch lines, but his core beliefs…some people don’t know what to do when their belief system collapses.” I, Chip Buhler…am one of those. When someone is totally committed & invested in something they believe to be a noble task or responsibility, it is easy to become injured or disillusioned when things don’t work out. “When a crisis hits, you feel an Alice in Wonderland sense of having fallen into a hole only to encounter strange creatures who mean you harm. In a crises, you feel alone, betrayed…in a state of disbelief” (Eric Dezenhall).
The movie is about a former Marine Corps sniper who left the military after a mission goes wrong, & then later becomes the scapegoat for a political assassination as his intel is used against him. “Now, seriously injured and emotionally shocked from betrayal, he must pursue a desperate search for the truth” (from the DVD case).
The search for understanding, to discern what’s significant & discover God’s perspective is nothing new to me, it has been a life-long passion & pursuit. In the past, I threw my life into Bible study, fasting, prayer, ministry service, mission trips, voracious reading & Seminary research. This last season was different though…new, another level altogether. It seems I’ve been in a time of wilderness isolation & soul searching. It’s not a wilderness wandering, but a temporary withdrawal from busyness and visibility so that God may revive my heart & renovate my mind. During this difficult season, I have yielded to the Spirit’s prompting to “wait on the Lord…be still…”-Ps.27:14, 4:1-6, 46:10, 145:15. I mean really waiting….desperate…gasping for breath hoping in the Lord.
I have needed much time to recover…to experience healing grace, strengthen my soul & search for the truth. I’ve been learning spiritual realities, scriptural truths, life lessons & the heart of a Heavenly Father. In this school of Christ, prayer, parenting, worship, weeping, study and long-suffering, you are taught to desperately seek after, patiently wait on, and humbly submit to the Spirit of the Sovereign Lord. By wrestling with God’s word, warring with personal prophecies, and bewailing my own inadequacies, I sense I’m slowly breaking through the cocoon of God’s calling.
During this time of isolation, I’ve experienced the process of stripping, wrestling & increased intimacy. This process causes deep inward & spiritual transformation while establishing identity in Christ, renewed convictions, clear vision and values.
No, I haven’t been writing blogs, but I have been waiting on God, wondering about my difficult experiences, & writing devotionally & reflectively. While it is certainly true that many things have been too painful to write about (that stuff is fuel for worship & material for prayer), it’s also true that my greatest desire is to write as a form of worship that imparts spiritual wisdom & revelation. Hence, the hesitation, delays…the patience of waiting on the Lord. As I said in my previous blog, “I have purposefully chosen not to publish my recent writings as I seek greater understanding & study enemy tactics while putting the King & HIS Kingdom 1st.”
It takes time to know what you’re to say. You can’t really have perspective on things while you’re in them…you can’t accurately reflect on something when you’re sitting in it. That’s what perspective is all about…the ability to discern the reality, relation & importance of things. I believe there’s a freedom that comes from being outside the situation, system, season…the ability to see & say things that I think everybody’s thinking or feeling…to look at situations & environments & to understand what we’re dealing with…to express issues that may be difficult for someone experiencing a situation or inside the system to see or say. To “examine all things, holding fast that which is good…to speak the truth in love”-1Thes.5:21, Eph.4:15.
There are isolation times & wilderness places in our lives that the Lord has ordained for reflection, revelation & refining. It is therefore, essential that we wait…listen…& learn of HIM.
“And the Word of the Lord came to John in the wilderness.” -Jn.3:2
“When HE was alone with the 12…they asked of Him?...And, when they were alone, He expounded all things to His disciples.” –Mk.4:10,34-Selah.
Showing posts with label Writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Writing. Show all posts
Monday, February 15, 2010
Thursday, March 26, 2009
"To Write or not to Write?"
“To write, or not to write?!?”...that was the question. For days I couldn’t get it out of my mind, so I surrendered 4 hours to rereading "Hamlet" highlights while journaling the seeming implications to my writing endeavors. Although the political & principled struggle there was insightful, & the pages I focused on were poetic & prophetic, it was actually an exercise of identity settling rather than literary studying. My investigation was bringing me face to face with the man in the mirror while challenging me once again to embrace the calling of being both a life-long learner & a yielded messenger…writing about the search & discoveries from Kingdom perspectives. I instinctively knew this would necessitate a vital connection between worship & work, waiting & writing. For the last few years, & in this blog, the emphasis for me has been the waiting on God & quest for truth…but winds of writing are beginning to blow.
The search for understanding, to discern what’s significant & discover God’s perspective is nothing new to me, it has been a life-long passion & pursuit. In the past, I threw my life into Bible study, fasting, prayer, ministry service, mission trips, voracious reading & Seminary research. This last season was different though…new, another level altogether. It seems I’ve been in a time of wilderness isolation & soul searching. It’s not a wilderness wandering, but a temporary withdrawal from busyness and visibility so that God may revive my heart & renovate my mind. During this difficult season, I have yielded to the Spirit’s prompting to “wait on the Lord…be still…”-Ps.27:14, 4:1-6, 46:10, 145:15.
I have often heard it said that to wait upon the Lord is about attentive service like that of a restaurant waiter. That is simply not true, & is evidence of our humanistic, performance oriented, works righteousness bias. The Hebrew word actually means “to bind or tie to,” while the Greek emphasis is “sitting down beside to receive.” Webster’s 1828 dictionary defines “wait” as: 1.To stay or rest in expectation; to stop or remain stationary, till the arrival of some person or event. The call to stop, rest, remain stationary & receive often requires being alone with God & isolated from others.
There’s great value in finding a “lonely place apart,” like Jesus. Christopher Maricle captures the essence of this by saying, “We need to spend time by ourselves in contemplation…to focus inward…alone with our thoughts…in considering our actions in light of our faith…a time for sorting out how we feel and think about a concern and how to respond to it in the future…and to take the results of our introspection to God in prayer.”
No, I haven’t been writing blogs, but I have been waiting on God, wondering about my difficult experiences, & writing devotionally & reflectively. While it is certainly true that many things have been too painful to write about (that stuff is fuel for worship & material for prayer), it’s also true that my greatest desire is to write as a form of worship that imparts spiritual wisdom & revelation. Hence, the hesitation, delays…the patience of waiting on the Lord. As I said in my previous blog, “I have purposefully chosen not to publish my recent writings as I seek greater understanding & study enemy tactics while putting the King & HIS Kingdom 1st.”
It takes time to know what you’re to say. You can’t really have perspective on things while you’re in them…you can’t accurately reflect on something when you’re sitting in it. That’s what perspective is all about…the ability to discern the reality, relation & importance of things. I believe there’s a freedom that comes from being outside the situation, system, season…the ability to see & say things that I think everybody’s thinking or feeling…to look at situations & environments & to understand what we’re dealing with…to express issues that may be difficult for someone experiencing a situation or inside the system to see or say. To “examine all things, holding fast that which is good…to speak the truth in love”-1Thes.5:21, Eph.4:15.
Shakespeare’s commentators have always argued over the actual meaning & purpose of his world-famous monologue that opens “To be or not to be” (you should read & study it yourself). The main disagreement is whether the focus is placed on "life vs. death" or "action vs. inaction." I believe there’s an element of both; & I contend that in seeking life & experiencing the death of anything, there needs to be a time of thinking & processing for the purpose of future determined action. With Hamlet's indecisiveness & uncertainty of knowledge as major themes in the play, many commentators were inspired to read the choice between the life of action ("to be") and life of silent acceptance ("not to be") as a primary focus of Hamlet's dilemma. I, however, believe & espouse E. Prosser’s view that "This soliloquy is a meditation on the central theme of the duties and temptations of a noble mind in an evil world."
I, therefore chose “To live & write” by consciously acknowledging “tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune…and as a vehicle to lose the name of action.” Henri Bergson expressed this by saying, “Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought.” Or shall we say, “Write like a man of thinking & action”…I am, & I hope to.
The search for understanding, to discern what’s significant & discover God’s perspective is nothing new to me, it has been a life-long passion & pursuit. In the past, I threw my life into Bible study, fasting, prayer, ministry service, mission trips, voracious reading & Seminary research. This last season was different though…new, another level altogether. It seems I’ve been in a time of wilderness isolation & soul searching. It’s not a wilderness wandering, but a temporary withdrawal from busyness and visibility so that God may revive my heart & renovate my mind. During this difficult season, I have yielded to the Spirit’s prompting to “wait on the Lord…be still…”-Ps.27:14, 4:1-6, 46:10, 145:15.
I have often heard it said that to wait upon the Lord is about attentive service like that of a restaurant waiter. That is simply not true, & is evidence of our humanistic, performance oriented, works righteousness bias. The Hebrew word actually means “to bind or tie to,” while the Greek emphasis is “sitting down beside to receive.” Webster’s 1828 dictionary defines “wait” as: 1.To stay or rest in expectation; to stop or remain stationary, till the arrival of some person or event. The call to stop, rest, remain stationary & receive often requires being alone with God & isolated from others.
There’s great value in finding a “lonely place apart,” like Jesus. Christopher Maricle captures the essence of this by saying, “We need to spend time by ourselves in contemplation…to focus inward…alone with our thoughts…in considering our actions in light of our faith…a time for sorting out how we feel and think about a concern and how to respond to it in the future…and to take the results of our introspection to God in prayer.”
No, I haven’t been writing blogs, but I have been waiting on God, wondering about my difficult experiences, & writing devotionally & reflectively. While it is certainly true that many things have been too painful to write about (that stuff is fuel for worship & material for prayer), it’s also true that my greatest desire is to write as a form of worship that imparts spiritual wisdom & revelation. Hence, the hesitation, delays…the patience of waiting on the Lord. As I said in my previous blog, “I have purposefully chosen not to publish my recent writings as I seek greater understanding & study enemy tactics while putting the King & HIS Kingdom 1st.”
It takes time to know what you’re to say. You can’t really have perspective on things while you’re in them…you can’t accurately reflect on something when you’re sitting in it. That’s what perspective is all about…the ability to discern the reality, relation & importance of things. I believe there’s a freedom that comes from being outside the situation, system, season…the ability to see & say things that I think everybody’s thinking or feeling…to look at situations & environments & to understand what we’re dealing with…to express issues that may be difficult for someone experiencing a situation or inside the system to see or say. To “examine all things, holding fast that which is good…to speak the truth in love”-1Thes.5:21, Eph.4:15.
Shakespeare’s commentators have always argued over the actual meaning & purpose of his world-famous monologue that opens “To be or not to be” (you should read & study it yourself). The main disagreement is whether the focus is placed on "life vs. death" or "action vs. inaction." I believe there’s an element of both; & I contend that in seeking life & experiencing the death of anything, there needs to be a time of thinking & processing for the purpose of future determined action. With Hamlet's indecisiveness & uncertainty of knowledge as major themes in the play, many commentators were inspired to read the choice between the life of action ("to be") and life of silent acceptance ("not to be") as a primary focus of Hamlet's dilemma. I, however, believe & espouse E. Prosser’s view that "This soliloquy is a meditation on the central theme of the duties and temptations of a noble mind in an evil world."
I, therefore chose “To live & write” by consciously acknowledging “tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune…and as a vehicle to lose the name of action.” Henri Bergson expressed this by saying, “Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought.” Or shall we say, “Write like a man of thinking & action”…I am, & I hope to.
Monday, March 23, 2009
"Perscribo, ergo sum!"
“Perscribo, ergo sum…I write, therefore I am!” That’s my attempt to convert the most famous statement of French philosopher & mathematician Rene Descartes. It’s also my response to a number of people’s inquiries into my blogging hiatus for most of the last 9 months (Thanks Barry+). The Cartesian maxim was of course, “Cogito, ergo sum…I think, therefore I am.” However, rather than an all-consuming epistemological principle; I am putting forth my seasonal emphasis & personal desire to “honor God” by being faithful to “publish peace, bringing Gospel & Kingdom perspectives…saying to God’s people, “Your God Reigns!”-Is.52:7.
Although I disagree with Descartes’ deductions related to his principle (I reject the premise of doubt & philosophy of dualism); I identify with his struggle with doubt, experiences of deep introspection, wrestling with beliefs & desire for certainty –veritas!?! This is a common struggle among sensitive and serious humans, and is characteristic of many reformers’ gut-wrenching, soul-wrestlings with self, Scriptural truth & the Sovereignty of God. That still doesn’t excuse Descartes from starting at the wrong place & going too far, with the inevitable “unintended consequences” that result from mixing philosophical questions, bad experiences & human ability/efforts.
Good ideas or God’s promises + the fear based insecurity we feel from negative circumstances have historically inspired humanistic reactions of “putting our best foot forward.” If pain & fear don’t bring paralysis or withdrawal, we usually determine to work & sweat to produce the best we can. Wow, think of that…man’s hand & mind…in fullness…at our best…that’s the oldest lie, the worst measurement. The unintended consequences of Adam’s choice in fruit, Abraham & Sarah’s bright idea of helping God speed things up & get stuff done (producing Ishmael), & many of the best efforts of mankind are plaguing us to this very hour.
You should understand, Cartesian doubt is said to be “cumulative & ruthless.” In trying to figure out something which he could be absolutely sure was true; he found himself drowning in skepticism, which led him to reject everything he’d been taught. Talk about throwing the baby out with the bathwater…after destroying his beliefs & rejecting others knowledge, he suggests that there is no knowledge that can be guaranteed…doubting even the reality of his senses, experiences & the existence of his physical body. The only thing he was certain of was doubt, & doubt was a type of thinking, so Descartes deduces that the proof of existence & essence of being is thinking & that the mind & body are separate…thus creating the philosophy of dualism & becoming the “father of modern philosophy.” (That paragraph was for the thinkers.)
What a mess negative thoughts & emotions create when we dwell on them, especially when combined with humanistic endeavors. Yes, it is easier to criticize than create…easier to seek the God we want, than to worship the God who is…easier to descend in doubts & depression, than to traverse the
In other words, I chose to begin with God & faith, rather than myself, my experiences & efforts. I’m trusting the One, True, Living God…the Lord of the harvest to separate the wheat from the chaff in my own life perspectives & writing. I am hoping to be reflective & discover principles of truth, rather than being reactionary & accusing people. To simply write in hopes of providing some signposts for this journey of faith…building needed bridges for those that follow after…making known the works, wisdom & ways of the Lord (please read Ps.145).
No, I haven’t been writing blogs, but I have been waiting on God, wondering about difficult experiences, & writing devotionally & reflectively. While it is certainly true that many things from my past season have been too painful to write about (that stuff is fuel for worship & material for prayer), it’s also true that my greatest desire is to write as a form of worship that imparts spiritual wisdom & revelation. Hence, the hesitation, delays…the patience of waiting on the Lord.
Remember, the 2 most important parables clearly show the importance of sowing truth & true seeds/sons–Mt.13:23, 38. That’s why he gives us messengers (Apostles, Prophets, preachers & writers), & gave us both the Bible & Jesus. However, these parables put the emphasis on the understanding of truth, an enemy’s strategy & Kingdom living (vs.19, 38-39). Because of this, I have purposefully chosen not to publish my recent writings as I seek greater understanding & study enemy tactics while putting the King & HIS Kingdom 1st.
I do believe the pen is mightier than the sword. Therefore, “what I see, I will be writing in blogs & books, to send to the Christians/Churches”-Rev.1:11. So, please pray for me & all the Christians called to write & communicate in “the Spirit of Truth.” We need the grace of God, time & resources to devote ourselves to the work of the Kingdom scribe “who brings forth out of his treasure things new & old” –Mt.13:52.
“Perscribo, ergo sum…quinymo, perscribo quoniam Sit!” I write because I am…rather, I write because HE is!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
A Weekend to Remember #2
My wonderful wife “Hope” writes a monthly journal entry for me. She began it as a 40th birthday gift on 12/14/07. So, rather than a card that would have limited her to a small space for pouring out her affections while sharing her encouragement and inspiration; she decided to give me a journal. Both of us love books and reading, but we know we are called to write as well. She said she wanted it to be symbolic of all the things we have yet to say, but it has also proved to be an instrument of great grace and present truth many times. It is always the highlight of my month, when I get some alone, quiet time to open this journal and read the life giving words and reflections of my favorite author!
Here is an entry from this journal about the “I.H.” property as she sat by herself on the picnic tables outside after everyone had left from a family and friends retreat weekend. I read this providentially at a “kairos-opportune” moment during my “weekend to remember,” and it lead me into an extended time of worship, weeping and thanksgiving. It captures the essence of what these times and this place are all about:
“The fall months to me means the best times at the cabins. I feel so blessed as I sit here…only a few crickets lending their noise to the stillness. The sun is setting, ending another day. I look around as I sit writing, bonfire wood stacked and ready to go…horseshoes waiting to be played, the porch swing still and empty…the cabins clean and quiet. The wind is now rustling the newly changed colorful, fall leaves.
I am so thankful for all the Lord has given me. I love this place filled with activity and noise. I love this place absolutely quiet and still.
Here I sit in the Promised Land… the
Here I find restoration, here I find strength. Here I find Your breath and Your beauty -Lord God. I still don’t know how this property will be ours, but every step of the way you keep blessing us.
Blessed is this land…this Beulah land.
It is “Yours to Interpret!!!”
Chip – I know, neither of us knows how this will end; but, this property has been a way, a tangible way for the Lord to keep us in a place…a way for Him to bring us a hope and a future, and for Him to restore and love us along the way.
HE, above all knows the need for solitude.
I hope we will always have this place that is special to HIM and to us.
I love being out there with you. I feel we are both most alive and most us when we are there!!!”
I (Pastor Chip) encourage you who are reading this to think about the special people, significant places and spiritual practices that God has used to touch and transform you. Stop, be still for a moment and reflect on how God moves in your life. The memories will elicit strong emotion, and what you remember gives new perspective while renewing both passion and priorities.
May the Lord grant you times of refreshing and sacred spaces –holy places, where HIS Presence is manifest and experienced personally, intimately…tangibly.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
"The Miracle of Motherhood"
Written by Hope Buhler 5 years ago, and found by me in our Feb. office move.
I sit, I think, I ponder, I pray.
I dream, I desire, I question, I fear.
I cry, I tremble, I wonder, I see.
I laugh, I love, I give, I grow.
I wish, I can, I can’t, I try.
I sacrifice, I suggest, I scream, I request.
I listen, I learn, I lean, I linger.
I, it’s me it’s who I am.
I am a mother fearfully and wonderfully made. I am a gift to those God has entrusted into my care.
I may not have all I think I need, or even be what I wish I could be. I may not bake bread, or grow herbs from a seed. I may not sew beautiful clothes by hand or ever go out and purchase land. I might not be up at the crack of dawn or clean my house all day long. But I am me, that is who God’s created me to be.
I will watch over the ways of my household, I will open my mouth with wisdom and on my tongue will be the law of kindness.
I have a special assignment you see to be the mother of a precious three. No one else was given this position, just me. I am the perfect mom for the children God has given me. He has entrusted them into my care.
It’s the hardest task I’ve ever been given, I come ill equipped and unprepared. I tread softly on this uncharted territory. My greatest fear…I will mess them up for life. My greatest faith…God is bigger then all my fears, all I lack. He will be for them what I cannot be and provide where I cannot provide.
Deep within me the truth unfolds that I am God’s potter not just the clay. I mold and I shape, adjust and apply pressure. I help twist into greatness the future generation.
As I allow Him to mold and make me, as I am saved through child bearing, bearing children, holding them up to Him, training them, teaching them, I become a different vessel. There is no greater refinement; no greatest tool to pull out strength I never knew I had. There is not greater force provoking me to see and deal with the weaknesses deep within. I am broken and spilled out for the sake of my children.
Why? Because at the core of who I am is a mother who desires the best, the most, the greatest for her children and I am humbled when I feel the least, the lack, the lowest.
But that is the miracle of Motherhood…that a perfect heavenly Father would allow an imperfect woman to be entrusted with the precious lives He chooses to give me. All He requires in return is my love, my trust, my devotion to Him. For He knows what their purpose is, all they will ever need. He will guide and direct me as I listen and obey.
Just as my children lean upon my breast, as a woman and a mother I lean upon his chest and rest in His everlasting arms. All is at peace inside of me…for as I lay down to sleep I pray the Lord, my soul and the souls of my children…He keeps.
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