"Good Grief #3"

As a Pastor (or Christian), one of the greatest opportunities we have is to represent our Heavenly Father and Loving Savior by serving people in their times of devastation, grief, personal loss and deep sorrow. As people go through their life valleys and are overcome with dark shadows of emotion and fear, we should trust God for His supernatural grace, peace and healing presence.

I have learned by experience that people don’t know how to love you when you’re hurting…especially if there’s unexpected loss or you are a leader. There have been times that I wanted to communicate with or care for someone in extremely difficult circumstances, and I just couldn’t find the strength to do it. Whether it was fear, not knowing what to say or do, or the result of my own struggles in coping with the situation…I have too often let the opportunity to minister to “neighbors” in grief pass me by.

Grief is what we experience whenever we lose someone or something we loved or valued. We grieve over the loss of anything important. Whether you lose a job or a home, miss an opportunity, fail to reach a personal goal, or experience the death of a loved one or dream, you will encounter grief. Sometimes, if the loss is great, we are shaken to the core of our being, and the very foundations of our life seem to crumble beneath us. Death and the grief it causes touch the despair that courts many of us in our own moments of loneliness, and threatens the structures and sources of meaning that affirm our own lives.

When someone we know is sick with grief or imprisoned by despair, Jesus’ ministry to them is usually through you…simply “visiting and being with them” (Mt.25:36-40). Being there, your presence, hugs or holding hands is the vehicle often used by God to heal and free a hurting soul. Also, in softly speaking or personally penning a thoughtful note, remember the awesome power your words of compassion and encouragement carry.

The first key to grief and crises ministry is simply love.

“Suffering is only intolerable when nobody cares. One continually sees that faith in God and His care is made infinitely easier by faith in someone who has shown kindness and sympathy” (Cicely Saunders). “This thing called love” is much more powerful than most of us in the hustle and bustle of American modern life have ever believed. And this love will prompt you to “be there” relationally and to communicate it anyway possible. C.S. Lewis said it best: “When pain is to be borne, a little courage helps more than much knowledge, a little human sympathy more than much courage, and the least tincture of the Love of God more than all.”

With hurting people, verbal things are o.k., but it may be the non-verbal, physical touch of affection, that makes all the difference. Your presence gives them the sense you are there…and they are not alone. This is why people on their death bed want those they love around them. We need the people around us who can essentially convey to us the message, “Your life has value to me, and I care about you.” Because grief is caused by the loss of what we loved and valued, grief ministry is at its best when it simply conveys love and value to one who is hurting.

Another key to grief ministry is the past.

It’s not just communication, but the sensitivity to discern and guide conversations to connect with the memories of the past that matters most. “Gifted Pastors” have taught me to never say, “How are you today?...I know how you feel…”etc. I rarely ask them questions about the present, and never relate my experiences with grief to theirs. I look for common ground…and use nostalgia as an ally to draw out good memories…find the words, phrases, or thoughts that bridge the gap…take them back to reconnect, remember and experience again a better time, place or loved one.

It’s beneficial to understand from Jesus’ parables (Mk.4:13, Mt.13’s the Sower and Tares/Wheat) that God’s way of ministry in this world is through the “seed of the Word, and the children of the Kingdom.” That means HE uses your words and life (empowered and anointed by His Spirit) to minister to the needs of others. May we continually speak the comfort and encouragement of the blessed Scriptures in love to strengthen those in the agonies of afflictions unbearable in human strength. And may the message of Christ and His Kingdom find the wanderers in the desert of resentment and rebellion which often follow severe suffering.

My friends, it’s never too late…real Christian love and witness carries His Words of Life and may yet save and heal…returning many to relationship with God…restoring others to enduring hope and joy unspeakable. “Don’t stop believing”…or caring. Selah

"Good Grief #2"

The following are some encouraging quotes related to grief and suffering:

“Bless the Lord, O my soul; And all that is within me, bless His Holy Name! Bless the Lord, O my soul…and forget not all of His benefits…” –Ps.103:1-2

“It is only when everything is hopeless that hope begins to be a strength at all.” –G.K.C.

“When pain is to be borne, a little courage helps more than much knowledge, a little human sympathy more than much courage, and the least tincture of the Love of God more than all.” –C.S. Lewis

“He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep, pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.” –Aeschylus

“We know that by suffering is wrought steadfastness, and steadfastness is the proof of soundness, and proof gives rise to hope; and our hope cannot shame us in the day of trial; because the Love of God is shed forth in our hearts by the Holy Spirit, Who has been given to us.” Suffering, steadfastness, soundness, hope, love-what great words these are.”
-Rom.5:3-5 (Conybeare’s)

“Everywhere a greater joy is preceded by a greater suffering.” –Saint Augustine

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the Glory that will be Revealed in us.” –Rom.8:18

“Jesus did not come to explain away suffering or remove it. HE came to fill it with HIS Presence.” –Paul Claudel

“One of the deepest lessons (you may learn), is that suffering is not something to be merely endured. Out of it we are to build a cathedral of heavenly beauty, and in that cathedral we bring God our deepest devotion. The pain which endures, the frustration which we never escape, the meager and tepid life which is to be ours always, these are the bricks which we are to build with never ending diligence and faithfulness, the loveliest worship, devotion and faith, which is permitted men to have.”-Paul W. Harrison (known as “the desert doctor” for his 38 years as a medical missionary in Arabia)

“Sorrow is one of the things that are lent, not given. A thing that is lent may be taken away; a thing that is given is not taken away. Joy is given; sorrow is lent. We are not our own, we are bought with a price, “and our sorrow is not our own” (Samuel Rutherford said this a long time ago), it is lent to us for just a little while that we may use it for eternal purposes. Then it will be taken away and everlasting joy will be our Father’s gift to us, and the Lord God will wipe away all tears from off all faces…
So let us use this “lent” thing to draw us nearer to the heart of Him Who was once a Man of Sorrows (He is not that now, but He does not forget the feeling of sorrow). Let us use it to make us more tender with others, as He was when on earth and is still, for He is touched with the feeling of our infirmities.” –Amy Carmichael

“They have been tested to the uttermost by affliction, yet their joy has throughout been over brimming: in spite of their poverty –their deep poverty –it has overflowed in a very opulence of unselfishness.” -2Cor.8:2 (Way)

“O God, our help in ages past, Our hope for years to come, Our shelter from the stormy blast, And our eternal home. Under the shadow of Thy throne still may we dwell secure, Sufficient is Thine arm alone, And our defense is sure.” –Isaac Watts

“HE is enough for us were the path ten thousand times more sad and difficult…..

AH! It is blessed to be at the feet of Jesus in our sorrows, for there divine light shines upon them, and though we may suffer, and even be oppressed with our trials, we shall not, while there, doubt His love…..
The soul is tested by afflictions as to how far self-will is active…God searches us. By this means we learn on the one hand what we are, and on the other what God is for us in His faithfulness and daily care. We are weaned from the world, and our eyes become better able to discern and appreciate what is heavenly…

Though thy way be long and dreary, Eagle strength HE will still renew; Garments fresh and foot unweary Tell how God hath brought thee through.” –J.N.D.

“HE is the Father of Mercies, God of all Comfort, the God of Patience and Hope”…and do not forget that discouragement is always from beneath; encouragement is always from above; God is the God of Encouragement (2Cor.1:3, Rom.15:5, 13).

“There is no pit so deep, but Christ is deeper still!” –Corrie Ten Boom

"Good Grief"

Over the past few years and in recent months, I have both experienced grief and had close family and friends lose loved ones. Because of the acuteness of the pain, the common occurrence of grief, and the request of friends experiencing this for the first time, I am passing on some truths to you in love. These come from a passion to provide comfort, healing ministry and godly perspective to those suffering and perplexed…pressed beyond the breaking point. Many of the insights I learned from my father, one of the most gracious and caring pastors I’ve ever known.

The following is an excerpt from a Memorial Service (funeral) that I recently performed. It’s from the middle third of the program…of course this part of the service is usually followed by me speaking of “the promised resurrection” and “life as a blessing.” I hope and pray it will bless and minister to you:

Let’s be honest. This is a tough time…for this family…for all of us. So my suggestion at the outset is that we trust God, even if we’re not in the habit of doing so. Let’s trust God and look to Him to give us what we need to face this day and to cope with the loss of “your loved one” in the days and years ahead.

In this time of grief and sorrow, we turn to the Word of God for comfort and hope. Hear this word from Psalm 46:1 and 10:

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of difficulty.

…Be still and know that I am God…”

In times of Crises and Challenge, God’s Word speaks to us…His presence meets, ministers to and heals us! God will provide mercy, tender compassion, and gracious strength.

“Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not search about anxiously, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. Surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” –Is 41:10

“God is near to the broken hearted, and saves the crushed in spirit.” –Ps 34:18

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in this time of need.” –Heb 4:16

PRAYER

At this celebration of “your loved ones’ life”, let us remember that it is the love in this world that counts, without it nothing else really matters.

Mitch Album’s book – “5 People You Meet in Heaven” speaks to this….

“Lost love is still love -- it takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory…Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it…

Life has to end, Love doesn’t.”

Our final freedom – “We cannot control what happens to us. Yet, we can control how we choose to respond to whatever happens to us.”

As a family and friends, you now begin living with something you can’t change. You can’t bring “your loved one” back to this life, but there are some things you can do. So I offer these gentle suggestions for the future:

1. Remember the good times…

Agree that at certain times you will get together as family/friends and celebrate the good times and good memories – those warm, together times filled with laughter and appreciation.

2. As a family, remember the God who gave us life is able to give us hope…

“Your loved one” was a good man, and you will miss him. God is a Great God, and you can trust Him. This family is doubly blessed.

3. Remember two things about God we ought always to keep before us:

· Grief was created by God. Grief is the price of loving deeply. Grief won’t kill us. But never loving anyone will leave us deader than a stump. So be thankful for your grief, and the love it represents.

· God knows our grief. God created grief as a safety valve. His nature is to visit us in our grief and stay as long as we need Him. Jesus was “a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief.” Our Heavenly Father lost a son and became the Father of Mercy…God of all Comfort.

As we grieve the death of “your loved one,” there are four specific things we can do to help God help us.

1. We can give our anger to God… He can handle it. He understands it.

2. We can give our questions to God… He welcomes them…all of them.

3. We can allow God to give us healing… Seek His healing, pray for it, be open to it.

4. We can allow God to give us His comfort and peace…God never wants us to be left alone.

Unless our hope is in God, we are sadly without hope. But we can always call upon God and take Him at His promise.

“Grace-Grace to your mountains…Shalom-Peace that passes understanding in your storms…and “May the Grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the Agape-Love of Father God, and the intimate fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all…and your loved ones”(2Cor.13:14).