Isolation

These are some notes from my journal last year. They speak to my writing hiatus, and portions of it were used in my previous blog, “To Write or not to Write.”

This defining line from the movie “Shooter” captures the existential dilemma that often leads to isolation. “Yeah…..he rarely ventures out at all…….This is a man with a history of duty and patriotism, not his punch lines, but his core beliefs…some people don’t know what to do when their belief system collapses.” I, Chip Buhler…am one of those. When someone is totally committed & invested in something they believe to be a noble task or responsibility, it is easy to become injured or disillusioned when things don’t work out. “When a crisis hits, you feel an Alice in Wonderland sense of having fallen into a hole only to encounter strange creatures who mean you harm. In a crises, you feel alone, betrayed…in a state of disbelief” (Eric Dezenhall).

The movie is about a former Marine Corps sniper who left the military after a mission goes wrong, & then later becomes the scapegoat for a political assassination as his intel is used against him. “Now, seriously injured and emotionally shocked from betrayal, he must pursue a desperate search for the truth” (from the DVD case).

The search for understanding, to discern what’s significant & discover God’s perspective is nothing new to me, it has been a life-long passion & pursuit. In the past, I threw my life into Bible study, fasting, prayer, ministry service, mission trips, voracious reading & Seminary research. This last season was different though…new, another level altogether. It seems I’ve been in a time of wilderness isolation & soul searching. It’s not a wilderness wandering, but a temporary withdrawal from busyness and visibility so that God may revive my heart & renovate my mind. During this difficult season, I have yielded to the Spirit’s prompting to “wait on the Lord…be still…”-Ps.27:14, 4:1-6, 46:10, 145:15. I mean really waiting….desperate…gasping for breath hoping in the Lord.

I have needed much time to recover…to experience healing grace, strengthen my soul & search for the truth. I’ve been learning spiritual realities, scriptural truths, life lessons & the heart of a Heavenly Father. In this school of Christ, prayer, parenting, worship, weeping, study and long-suffering, you are taught to desperately seek after, patiently wait on, and humbly submit to the Spirit of the Sovereign Lord. By wrestling with God’s word, warring with personal prophecies, and bewailing my own inadequacies, I sense I’m slowly breaking through the cocoon of God’s calling.

During this time of isolation, I’ve experienced the process of stripping, wrestling & increased intimacy. This process causes deep inward & spiritual transformation while establishing identity in Christ, renewed convictions, clear vision and values.

No, I haven’t been writing blogs, but I have been waiting on God, wondering about my difficult experiences, & writing devotionally & reflectively. While it is certainly true that many things have been too painful to write about (that stuff is fuel for worship & material for prayer), it’s also true that my greatest desire is to write as a form of worship that imparts spiritual wisdom & revelation. Hence, the hesitation, delays…the patience of waiting on the Lord. As I said in my previous blog, “I have purposefully chosen not to publish my recent writings as I seek greater understanding & study enemy tactics while putting the King & HIS Kingdom 1st.”

It takes time to know what you’re to say. You can’t really have perspective on things while you’re in them…you can’t accurately reflect on something when you’re sitting in it. That’s what perspective is all about…the ability to discern the reality, relation & importance of things. I believe there’s a freedom that comes from being outside the situation, system, season…the ability to see & say things that I think everybody’s thinking or feeling…to look at situations & environments & to understand what we’re dealing with…to express issues that may be difficult for someone experiencing a situation or inside the system to see or say. To “examine all things, holding fast that which is good…to speak the truth in love”-1Thes.5:21, Eph.4:15.

There are isolation times & wilderness places in our lives that the Lord has ordained for reflection, revelation & refining. It is therefore, essential that we wait…listen…& learn of HIM.

“And the Word of the Lord came to John in the wilderness.” -Jn.3:2

“When HE was alone with the 12…they asked of Him?...And, when they were alone, He expounded all things to His disciples.” –Mk.4:10,34-Selah.