As a Pastor (or Christian), one of the greatest opportunities we have is to represent our Heavenly Father and Loving Savior by serving people in their times of devastation, grief, personal loss and deep sorrow. As people go through their life valleys and are overcome with dark shadows of emotion and fear, we should trust God for His supernatural grace, peace and healing presence.
I have learned by experience that people don’t know how to love you when you’re hurting…especially if there’s unexpected loss or you are a leader. There have been times that I wanted to communicate with or care for someone in extremely difficult circumstances, and I just couldn’t find the strength to do it. Whether it was fear, not knowing what to say or do, or the result of my own struggles in coping with the situation…I have too often let the opportunity to minister to “neighbors” in grief pass me by.
Grief is what we experience whenever we lose someone or something we loved or valued. We grieve over the loss of anything important. Whether you lose a job or a home, miss an opportunity, fail to reach a personal goal, or experience the death of a loved one or dream, you will encounter grief. Sometimes, if the loss is great, we are shaken to the core of our being, and the very foundations of our life seem to crumble beneath us. Death and the grief it causes touch the despair that courts many of us in our own moments of loneliness, and threatens the structures and sources of meaning that affirm our own lives.
When someone we know is sick with grief or imprisoned by despair, Jesus’ ministry to them is usually through you…simply “visiting and being with them” (Mt.25:36-40). Being there, your presence, hugs or holding hands is the vehicle often used by God to heal and free a hurting soul. Also, in softly speaking or personally penning a thoughtful note, remember the awesome power your words of compassion and encouragement carry.
The first key to grief and crises ministry is simply love.
“Suffering is only intolerable when nobody cares. One continually sees that faith in God and His care is made infinitely easier by faith in someone who has shown kindness and sympathy” (Cicely Saunders). “This thing called love” is much more powerful than most of us in the hustle and bustle of American modern life have ever believed. And this love will prompt you to “be there” relationally and to communicate it anyway possible. C.S. Lewis said it best: “When pain is to be borne, a little courage helps more than much knowledge, a little human sympathy more than much courage, and the least tincture of the Love of God more than all.”
With hurting people, verbal things are o.k., but it may be the non-verbal, physical touch of affection, that makes all the difference. Your presence gives them the sense you are there…and they are not alone. This is why people on their death bed want those they love around them. We need the people around us who can essentially convey to us the message, “Your life has value to me, and I care about you.” Because grief is caused by the loss of what we loved and valued, grief ministry is at its best when it simply conveys love and value to one who is hurting.
Another key to grief ministry is the past.
It’s not just communication, but the sensitivity to discern and guide conversations to connect with the memories of the past that matters most. “Gifted Pastors” have taught me to never say, “How are you today?...I know how you feel…”etc. I rarely ask them questions about the present, and never relate my experiences with grief to theirs. I look for common ground…and use nostalgia as an ally to draw out good memories…find the words, phrases, or thoughts that bridge the gap…take them back to reconnect, remember and experience again a better time, place or loved one.
It’s beneficial to understand from Jesus’ parables (Mk.4:13, Mt.13’s the Sower and Tares/Wheat) that God’s way of ministry in this world is through the “seed of the Word, and the children of the Kingdom.” That means HE uses your words and life (empowered and anointed by His Spirit) to minister to the needs of others. May we continually speak the comfort and encouragement of the blessed Scriptures in love to strengthen those in the agonies of afflictions unbearable in human strength. And may the message of Christ and His Kingdom find the wanderers in the desert of resentment and rebellion which often follow severe suffering.
My friends, it’s never too late…real Christian love and witness carries His Words of Life and may yet save and heal…returning many to relationship with God…restoring others to enduring hope and joy unspeakable. “Don’t stop believing”…or caring. Selah
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